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Adventures of Bob Hope 82
"Adventures of Bob Hope 82"

COVER IMAGE NOT FOUND August-September, 1963

Writer: Unknown Artist: Unknown

On the cover, Leonardo Da Vinci is less than pleased at the court jester's, who asks permission to get the tough subject for the painting to smile. Mona Lisa, too, is less than pleased at Bob Hope's suggestion.

On the splash page, a beautiful red-head congratulates Bob on finding the buried treasure chest, but a pair of powerful white hands emerge from the ground to keep its grip, as the comedian struggles to pull it out!

Passing by a TV studio, Bob sees a sign advertising the new "Treasure Hunt Key" program, where the winner's first prize is a new house! He is asked to sign a release absolving the studio of responsibility should something happen to him during the treasure hunt. Bob tells the studio page that he hopes he meets a nice nurse. Bob Hope is the next contestant on the program...

He is given a key and is told to go to Mystery House at 36 Valley Lane, and bring back the mystery package. He has half an hour to beat the clock! Outside, he hails a taxi, and tells the driver to step on it... if he wins, he'll get a house! If the driver steps on it, he'll get a ticket! At Valley Lane, Bob pays the fare, and steps out. If ever he saw a mystery house, this is it!

Bob thinks it's clever how the number is blurred to fool contestants. The key fits and the door crreeaaks! Intending to find the mystery package fast, Bob sees it laying on a table! SCREEECH! He hears another car stop - and figures that it must be another contestant!

Bob heads for the back way with the mystery package, but before he gets far, he falls through a trapdoor... YIIIIIIII! Dazed, he compliments the producers on how they make sure the contestants don't leave so quickly.

He wonders what they're gonna try to delay him with next. Complimenting the producers on their imagination, as he introduces himself to the lovely red-haired lady before him. Bob tells her that it's important to find out when they're gonna go out to dinner and dancing, and after that, when are they going to go steady? To her, he doesn't seem the steady type, and he proves her wrong by holding on to his mystery package! Seeing the package, she asks Bob where he got it. He tells her that the mystery package will enable him to become a homeowner. She tells him that the only mystery about the contest is how they let him into the house, and that the package is for her. Bob begins to frown at his fellow contestant.

As she insists on having the package, he introduces himself as Bob "House Beautiful" Hope, and she can hang the curtains after they decide to get married. She tells him that this is a serious matter, and that the package is hers. Bob suggests that she go on another show - where they give away furniture -- then they'll have it made. If she doesn't get the package, her employer will get upset! If he doesn't get out of the house soon, he'll never beat the clock and win the house! Maybe she can win a contest where the prizes are dishes or silverware, that way they'll save money if they eat at home. Meanwhile, she's trying to pry his hands from the mystery package.

Soon, both of them are tugging at the mystery package... the wrapping is torn, and Bob sees that face -- that smile -- it's not his landlady -- it's the Mona Lisa! She wonders if he understands that he has the wrong package?

Holding it in his hands, Bob can't believe that the Mona Lisa masterpiece is real, but she assures him that if it's not real - then it's an almost perfect imitation. Two dark-suited men with French accents appear and ask Bob to hand the Mona Lisa over. When he asks where they came from, Alphonse and Gaston reply, "From Paris, France! Naturalment!" (Holy Devin Grayson, Batman!)

Alphonse sneers, while Gaston gapes, and Bob still refuses to hand over the painting... then tells them to find their own mystery program. The two are in the business of collecting stolen art, and the girl asks if they are detectives. Bob whispers in her ear that detectives aren't known for wearing pointy shoes. Alphonse assures him that it is the style to wear them this way, and Bob demands to see more proof! Gaston tells his partner to show him...

Bob and the girl see Alphonse's gun, and he tells her that his goose pimples saw it first! When Alphonse demands that he hand over the painting, Bob wonders why since they are both detectives, and detectives are supposed to ask questions first. Gaston prods his friend, and Alphonse confesses that they are not detectives... more like -- "Like hijackers?" Gaston wonders why Bob called them a jackass, and Alphonse assures his friend that this is not so.

They will take the picture and hold it for someone else. Bob thinks that it's someone who'll pay a lot of money for it. Alphonse wants the painting now, and the girl reminds Bob that he's got a gun! He tells the duo to come and get it. Gaston points at Bob and both he and Alphonse begin to walk towards him... Too late do they notice the hole in the floor... AHHH! Amazingly, Alphonse has enough time to describe their predicament before they fall far!

Bob places his arm on the girl's shoulder and they leave the house. When she asks where they're going, he tells her that first, they'll get out of sight of the two nuts, then they'll see! In her car, Bob suggests that they head for the F.B.I., the police, the immigration authorities... but she sees an address pasted on the painting! She suggests that they deliver it to H. Ball Pointe, Chissby Hall... and he agrees! At Birchwood Park Drive, Bob gets a load of the split level, while the girl tells him that it's either a castle or a fortress!

When they wonder how they'll get in, a drawbridge is lowered! CLUMP! CLUMP! CLUMP! A disembodied voice bids them welcome, and Bob is grateful that they don't see anyone since it might have been a dragon!

In Chissby Hall, the two don't notice the artist's sight gag of a small mouse behind a pillar calling his shadow a dirty rat and to drop the cheese! H. Ball Pointe is a pale-faced man, reminiscent of Charles Addams' Gomez Addams. The small man is sorry to hear that the Mona Lisa is a copy since he only collects the originals!

A hidden door in a wall opens, catching Bob and the girl off-balance. Inside, they see artists at work on their easels. H. Ball Pointe asks his artists how their Venus and Blue Boy are coming... The artists can duplicate any masterpiece in the world, and when Bob comments that this seems to be an expensive hobby, the small man assures him that the masterpieces are cheaper because he steals them!

The copies are then returned to the museums... after all, H. Ball Pointe reasons, he wouldn't want them to be without. Bob believes that the Mona Lisa must be worth millions, and H. Ball Pointe wants it all to himself, without any crowds around! He can't stand crowds! He hates crowds! (Holy Comic-Con, Batman!) Bob assures him that if he gets caught, he'll soon be with a lot of people! When he mentions the two French detectives, H. Ball Pointe knows about Alphonse and Gaston, who work for him! They stole it for him, and then they stole it from him!

Their deed done, Bob and the girl turn to leave, and H. Ball Pointe assures them that they don't want to leave now -- but Bob thinks it's a good idea since he has to turn in his old library card before they close -- The pale-faced man's hand tugs on a pull-cord, and iron bars prevent Bob and the girl's departure!

Bob has gotten the gate before, but this is the biggest one yet! When the girl asks what they can do, he suggests that if they aren't fed, in a few days, they'll be able to fit between the bars! PSST! Bob wonders if someone here has gotten a puncture!

Their visitor introduces himself as Secret Operator 42G, and the red-haired girl introduces herself as Secret Operator 90. Bob had thought that she was a perfect 36, and wonders what's up with the secret operator bit. The two agents were working on the same case to find the stolen paintings, and find the ringleader. He finds this to be good news -- especially since they'll need a cheerleader and a good team! She tells him that they know how it works and who Mr. Big is. Bob smiles and asks who Mr. Big is. H. Ball Pointe and a Mme. Fifi are the ringleaders, and this somehow makes sense to Bob. He has an idea of how the two big operators can get them out of here!

Since art goes over big over here, they have to look like a statue or painting - then be moved elsewhere. Since he and a girl are in a clinch, he is willing to hold the pose, but the girl thinks they need something better than that to fool the ringleader! Secret Operator 42G has some plaster of paris, and Bob assures the diminutive agent that it doesn't have to be the best imported stuff -- anything would work! SPLASH! The plaster of paris is applied to Bob and the red-haired girl!

Bob is pleased with his new position -- and with such a great future, who needs coffee breaks! Secret Agent 42G presses the wall button to open the gate! Bob is unable to move and the girl reminds him that the stuff settles fast! The undercover agent has a friend get the statues out for shipment! Bob hopes that they don't hit any bumps - and doesn't want to be around when the statue breaks!

42G leaves them at the front door and promises to find a truck as soon as possible. The girl tells him to keep an eye out for the Mona - and Bob wishes he were a painting instead - since his suit's getting awful tight! He can't see it, but he hears a truck! Alphonse and Gaston drive up and grab the statues for their truck!

As the truck makes its way, one of the tires hits a bump, and both Bob and 90 are free! Hearing the movement in the rear, Alphonse stops the truck, and heads for a look!

He sees that the statue is broken, and Bob has him covered, assuring him that where he's going, he'll have plenty of time to make another one! Alphonse and Gaston are rounded up, along with H. Balle Pointe and Mme. Fifi at the police station. Secret Operator 90 wonders why Bob is leaving, and he tells her that he has to get back to the TV show, and see if he's won anything!

At the TV studio, the announcer is amazed to see Bob Hope's return, and although he didn't win first prize, he did win something for being a good sport -- a fine reproduction of -- The Mona Lisa, which is winking at him!

A humorous little adventure for Bob Hope, whose character is good-natured, and can see the absurdity of the situation as the pages go by.

After entertaining folks in Vaudeville, on radio, in movies, on Television, and in person, Mr. Hope is now on the road which awaits all of us one day.

Thanks for the memories.

Steve Chung
"The Review of Bob Hope"