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Smash Comics 39
"The Absent Minded Corpse"

COVER IMAGE NOT FOUND I haven't had time to do a review lately, so I e-mailed Midnight himself, and asked him to relay a story from his active career....

The world is full of twins! There's nothing unusual about that. But it took the Benson twins to tangle me in a wacky mess that, as Vigilante might say, left me dizzier than a sea-sick bulldog chasing his tail on a lop sided merry-go-round. This is the case I call 'The Absent Minded Corpse'.

I was accompanying a, er, friend of mine on his way to broadcast the grid classic of all time -- the game between Wartmouth and Jale. As you know if you follow college sports, Jale and Wartmouth hated each other so much they even had to hold the game at a neutral stadium. What started Jale and Wartmouth hating each other so were the Benson twins -- Sam and Dan. They were identical twins -- nobody could tell them apart. As children, they were devoted pals ... then Sam was hired as Wartmouth's president -- which made Dan jealous. Then Jale hired Dan at a higher salary so Sam was jealous. Through the years their hate had grown and they taught their schools to hate one another too.

When the game opened, Sam Benson was in the Wartmouth box -- and here came Dan Benson! I knew there'd be bloodshed for sure -- they'd gunned for each other for years. Then came the teams onto the playing field, and then the Benson boys discovered one another. I hoped maybe I could stop bloodshed -- they were going to shoot it out unless I could stop one of them with my vacuum gun. I had the right aim but the wrong head -- a booster poked his head up. Those two old fools would kill each other -- and they were right in the middle of the players.

They did it -- shot each other. One was dead -- but the other one was only knocked out. The bullet creased his skull. It looked like a riot, so I decided I'd better get the survivor out of there before the mob took him apart. Then when he woke up, he could identify himself and stop the battle. That was my strategy, but the bullet crease gave him amnesia. He couldn't remember whether he was Sam or Dan. And both schools came to claim him -- I had to hide him from those manglers.

What a mess. If we didn't get his identity settled, the two schools would slaughter one another and him too. He couldn't just pretend he was Sam or Dan and stick to it, because their uncle left a million dollars to Jale because Dan was his favorite. If he said he was Dan and he wasn't ... Jale would get the money under false pretenses, and if he said he was Sam when he was really Dan the money would go to Wartmouth and Jale would lose according to the terms of the will.

Finally, I had an idea that settled the whole mess. Since Mr. Benson couldn't remember whether he was Sam or Dan ... he decided to call himself SAN Benson and ask the two colleges to combine into one known as Jalemouth University!