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Superman 187
"Three Nights In The Fortress of Solitude!"


Story: Unknown Art: Kurt Schaffenberger

(Originally Reviewed On 01/28/02)

Lois Lane has accepted an invitation from The Man of Steel to visit his Fortress of Solitude for an hour (Holy Euphemism, Batman!), but it bcomes a 72 hour visit for the girl reporter, who finds out what it's like to spend "Three Nights in The Fortress of Solitude!" On the splash page, Superman soars to rescue Lois, who is being turned into a plant by a jewel, which is emitting strange rays, and she promises that she'll never snoop again! (Holy Daisy Hill Puppy Farm, Batman! I wouldn't be surprised if she slept on the roof of her house. At her apartment, Lois tells The Man of Steel that she's ready to take pictures of the latest exhibits at his Fortress of Solitude (Holy Euphemism, Batman!) Supes bundles Lois up in his cape, to keep her warm, and to keep her from seeing where his place is located! (Holy Mobile Operator, Batman! Sure beats sniffing Bat-Gas and spending the trip in the Bat-Trunk!) Wrapped in his cape, Lois fantasizes about becoming Mrs. Superman, but knows that it would be unlikely since the non-super spouse would be the target of his many enemies!

At The North Pole, Lois is kept warm by the cape, while Superman uses the giant key to ope his Fortress. Inside, Lois sees the giant statues of Jor-El and Lara, who are together holding a model of the planet Krypton. Showing Lois how he maintains his physique, Superman gets into an interplanetary zoo and wrestles an alien beast! Suddenly, one of the other beasts has gotten free, and is heading their way, with Superman standing behind Lois, and she wondering if The Man of Steel has become a Super-Coward? By blocking the creature's view of Superman's yellow belt and chest emblem, the creature calms down, and now uses one of its tentacles to embrace Lois, who is less than pleased at this show of affection.

Superman shows Lois some of his space trophies, such as a venus butterfly, which sings, a dancing plant, and a big glass coin, which is used as money on a distant planet. (Holy Bank of America, Batman! You think he got the idea from someone's pad?) As Lois reaches out to touch the coin, she is horrified to find that she's been turned to glass! Fortunately, it is only an illusion from the illusion jewel, which Superman covers with a cloth, and everything is back to normal. While Lois reloads her camera, Superman shows her one of his robots, which is standing guard and is designed to seize intruders. Beneath a huge astronomical dome, Superman cautions Lois not to get near any of the star-rays, which is being gathered by the super-telescopes, but the venus butterfly has fluttered towards those very same rays...

Beneath sunlight, the butterfly is disintegrated into loose atoms, which is an effect of the star-rays, and lasts for three days. Telling Lois to look at the space photos he has taken, Superman heads off to check out if there's been any emergency calls from Metropolis on his space radio! The telescope has given Lois an idea, knowing how safe The Fortress is from attack, she devises a plan to become Mrs. Superman! When The Man of Steel returns, he sees Lois exposing herself to the star-rays! When she tells him she thought it was the other telescope, Superman seals the dome so that she won't be disintegrated by the sunlight! Lois must now remain at The Fortress for three days until the danger has passed, and she is confident that she can prove to him that this would be a safe for her, and he won't have an excuse to avoid being married! Lois can eat and sleep at the Krypton exhibit, while Superman goes on patrol...

Lois begins to make plans to hang some drapes, and turn the Fortress into a love nest for both of them. Returning to the Krypton exhibit, Lois dons some Kryptonian pajamas, then is startled when she sits on the floating anti-gravity bed of Krypton, which begins to behave like a flying carpet, thanks to a gust of wind from the ventilation system. After one dizzy ride, the floating anti-gravity bed bumps into the Superman robot guard, who interprets the collision as an attack and Lois as an intruder! The next moment finds Lois on the receiving end of a spanking from The Superman Robot! The following day at breakfast, The Man of Steel asks Lois why she's standing up while eating, and the girl reporter tells him that she finds it better for her digestion, if not her dignity since she hasn't been able to sit down after what happened the night before.

Waving goodbye to Superman, Lois is confident that this day won't be as bad, while The Man of Steel reminds her that there may be a cold snap in the area, but the heating system should keep her warm. Unfortunately, the temperature has dropped considerably, and Lois figures that the heating system must have malfunctioned. Taking a coat from a Lois Lane dummy, she tries to get warm, only to be chased by the angry super-pet, who is enraged at the sight of her yellow coat! Getting rid of it, Lois is shivering, and the now calm creature is cuddling up to her for warmth. When the temperature has returned to normal, Lois checks out a closet in The Fortress of Solitude, where Superman has his Christmas gifts for the folks at The Daily Planet, including Perry White, Jimmy Olsen, and Clark Kent, which she deduces by seeing the initials on each box. Seeing the box with C.K. disproves her notion that the mild-mannered reporter is really Clark Kent!

Seeing two L.L. boxes, she figures that one gift is for her and one is for Lana Lang, but which is which? Opening the gifts, she sees two autographed pictures of Superman, with one signed from her friend, Superman, and the other addressed to the only girl who knows his secret identity! Lois wonders if the gift is for her or Lana, and if The Man of Steel will confide in Lana since they've known each since their days in Smallville, and shudders. Before going to bed, Lois reads a Kryptonian book about humans being turned into planets, the book having been translated from Kryptonese into Earthly language after Superman's trip to Krypton prior to its destruction. Lois stares down and sees that she's beginning to become a plant! Superman arrives and sees her predicament...

The source of Lois' imitation of plant life is due once again to the illusion jewel, which must have landed in her handbag when she changed the film in her camera. When told that she'll be going home in the morning, and that she could be flown home in the evening since the sun won't be out, Lois opts to go home as soon as possible, knowing that her scheme has come undone, and the Fortress is not a safe place to live. Leaving The Fortress, Superman soars with Lois wrapped in his cape, and The Man of Steel remembers how odd it was that she would look through the wrong telescope, and how he found out via his x-ray vision that Lois had deliberately trapped herself there, when she wrote the sordid details in her diary! That evening, The Man of Steel used his super-breath to blow the Krypton bed around, and when she collided with the Superman robot, the real deal of steel used his x-ray impulses to have the robot give her a well-deserved spanking, determined that the girl reporter not think this to be a home away from home.

The coldness was achieved by a giant glacier placed atop The Fortress's roof, so that Lois would don the yellow coat and be chased by his pet. When Lois was reading the book, The Man of Steel used his super-speed to place the illusion jewel near her handbag, so that she would think she was becoming a plant! Lois is grateful to be back at her apartment, and Superman is grateful that his Fortress won't be their love-nest if they ever get married. At the office, Lois tells Clark how puzzled she was by the X-Mas gifts she saw, and how one was addressed to the only girl who knows Superman's secret identity, as well as who will be the lucky recipient. Clark knows that it won't be either L.L. girl since he actually had three L.L. boxes and pictures at The Fortress. One for Lois, one for Lana, and one for Linda Lee, who knows his secret identity. He hid Lana's box, and let Lois see the photo from Linda's box. The girl reporter won't learn that she'll get the same gift as Lana until X-Mas of 1959!

Lois Lane, as rendered by Kurt Schaffenberger. A girl reporter who sought to make The Man of Steel her own, and in doing so, is introduced to products from his home planet of Krypton.

His is the classic, the definitive version of Lois Lane, who would give Lucille Ball competition for her sheer audacity and feats of daring.

Lois receives a spanking, and while I don't think Superman dislikes Lois, he seems to be determined to remain a bachelor and have his home away from home.

Another Lois Lane caused a stir by being wrapped in Superman's cape... Teri Hatcher.

Our own Craig Shutt, aka Mr. Silver Age, did a feature on The Fortress of Solitude for CBG.

This Review Is Dedicated To The Memory Of Kurt Schaffenberger.

Steve Chung
"Three Reviews In The Fortress of Solitude!"