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Superman 193
"The Guilty Bizarro!"

COVER IMAGE NOT FOUND (80 Page Giant #31) January/February, 1967

Story: Unknown Art: John Forte

The inhabitants of Bizarro World are imperfect duplicates of the man of steel and Lois Lane... and their memories are also flawed versions of Superman and the girl reporter. Each of the male Bizarros possess the man of steel's super-abilities, and one day, Bizarro #1 decides to become a super-detective! His new-found career begins with the case of... "The Guilty Bizarro!" or "It's Nice To Be Wanted!" On the splash page, five male Bizarros are in a line-up, and the police chief asks Bizarro #1 which one is the guilty criminal. After having examined all of the clues and all of the motives, he has come to the conclusion that the guilty one is... Bizarro! Bizarro Lois #1 asks her idiot husband, "Which Bizarro??!" "Them all look alike!!"

Far away in outer space, there exists the odd cube-shaped planet... The Bizarro World! On this planet, everything is mixed up, particularly the Bizarro inhabitants, who are imperfect versions of Superman and Lois Lane... who hear the alarm clock go off and then go to sleep! On Bizarro World, things run differently than they do on Earth... Bizarro-Lois compliments Bizarro-Lois on their hair done at the ugliness parlor, and a Bizarro-father rewards his disobedient Bizarro-son to a movie, "The Slowest Gun In The West!" In the theatre, the Bizarro audience watch a film negative and cheer for the bad guy in the western! At the refreshment stand, a Bizarro family can enjoy delicious cold dogs, which are kept cool in a bucket of ice!

The people's behavior is governed by the Bizarro Code: "Us Do Opposite Of All Earthly Things! Us Hate Beauty! Us Love Ugliness! Is Big Crime To Make Anything Perfect On Bizarro World!" Bizarro #1 is walking past a Bizarro salesman selling Bizarro Bonds, which are guaranteed to lose money for you! The poor Bizarro leader has only a tiny lump of coal, so he can't buy any bonds! He flies to his Fortress, which is located in the hot desert, unaware that he could gather all the coal he wanted to digging into the ground! He quickly passes his worthless junk "trophies" and sees his son playing with the duplicator-ray machine! Bizarro-Junior #1 promises not to play anymore with the machine!

On the way home, Bizarro #1 holds his son by the ear and tells him that he should spank him, but the boy reminds his father that he's invulnerable, too! At home, Bizarro-Lois #1 tells her husband that he needs to get a job since they have very little money! Seeing his detective fiction books, Bizarro #1 decides to become a detective! The following day, the would-be sleuth opens an office... where he is admiring himself in a mirror, and practices with his non-super ray gun, which would remove a Bizarro's super-powers. Seeing someone in the doorway, Bizarro #1 grabs ahold of the startled curator of the Palace of Junk, who wishes to hire him to solve a mystery! The dilapilated building catches the Bizarro-detective's eye and he is confident about the case!

After wading through the piles of trash, which are considered valuable treasures on Bizarro World, both find huge diamonds in a corner of the Palace! The Bizarro-Curator wants him to find out what unknown vandal has been spoiling the place by smuggling in worthless diamonds! Bizarro #1's super-vision sees a Baby-Bizarro behind a fence with black-smudged hands! Both Bizarro-detective and Bizarro curator fly out of the palace at super-speed... catching the baby black-handed!! He had been using super-pressure on the valuable coal... changing them into worthless diamonds, and tossing them away into the Palace of Junk! The toddler shows them where he had gotten the coal... the family safe, which is unlocked like all Bizarro safes! The boy's father appears... and is shocked that the child has thrown away his miser's hoard of coal!

The angry Bizarro-father heads to the kitchen and returns with the child's punishment...He is to eat up all of the ice cream, and the Bizarro-Baby begs him not to have to eat the awful stuff! The Bizarro-curator rewards Bizarro #1 with a broken bottle and a worn-out tire for having solved the case! At home, Bizarro-Lois #1 hugs her husband when he gives her the worn-out tire, which is just the thing for her car... since Bizarro Loises can't fly! The Daily Htrae, the Bizarro-version of the Daily Planet building... soon has the flying Bizarro-news vendors hawking the news of Detective Bizarro #1's solving of the "bafeling" crime. An emergency loudspeaker blares news of a crime being committed at the public square. Bizarro #1 arrives to see the Palace of Junk has been replaced by an ugly Museum of "Art" which resembles the Taj Mahal.

Inside, statues of Rodin's "Thinker", "Apollo," as well as portraits of "Whistler's Mother" and the "Spirit of '76" are on display, to the dismay of the Bizarro-curator and the Bizarro-Mayor! He hereby hires Bizarro #1 to solve the terrible crime which violates the Bizarro code, because the detective is dumber than the entire Bizarro police force put together! He promises to catch the guilty Bizarro who uses his super-strength to commit the ghastly crime! The culprit obviously has a twisted brain... and Bizarro #1 has an idea! At the Bizarro Lunatic Asylum, he asks the Bizarro at the door is he is a doctor, or an inmate! The Bizarro-doctor shows him in... The inmates of the Bizarro insane asylum are Bizarros whose minds were not affected by the duplicator ray, and who can think and speak normally, even though they possess super-powers! The Bizarro-doctor tells Bizarro #1 that they build things perfectly because they are mentally sick! When asked what Bizarro "treatment" is used to cure them, the Bizarro-doctor obliges...

He calls over a Bizarro-intern to demonstrate the cure on one of the patients! The intern lifts up a sledge-hammer and shows how they knock sense into their heads! The Bizarro-patient wants to be hit some more since he is beginning to feel better. The Bizarro-Detective leaves the asylum, having been told by the doctor that no inmates have escaped. He realizes that in cases like these, the person who is least suspected is usually the guilty one. Bizarro #1 decides that the Bizarro-Mayor must be guilty since he has no motive! At the mayor's home, the Bizarro-Detective flies through the wall, and confronts the startled Bizarro-Mayor. Since the mayor hired him to solve the case, Bizarro #1 figures that this is enough proof that the politician is guilty, and he will have his super-powers removed by non-super ray-gun!

The mayor's Bizarro-Lois wife asks that her husband be allowed to finish his painting since it is his hobby! The Bizarro-Detective sees the "masterpiece" which was done by the mayor and knows that it is impossible for anyone who could paint this "marvelous" masterpiece to have committed the crime! The mayor tells Bizarro #1 to find the real culprit soon, or he will fire him! At the home of the Bizarro #1 family, the Bizarro-Detective sulks, while his wife tells him that he is still the handsomest Bizarro on Htrae! Husband and wife turn as Bizarro-Kltpzyxm suddenly appears in a puff of smoke! Bizarro #1 knows that he's an imperfect double of Mr. Mxyzptlk, the imp from the 5th dimension who bothers Superman, and who can only be rid of the sorceror by having him say his name backwards! The imp would return to his own dimension for 90 days!

When Bizarro-Lois asks how there could be a Bizarro-Mxyzptlk, her husband realizes that he must have been created when their son was playing with the duplicator-ray machine at the Fortress, and the ray passed through the ceiling opening... The imp must have been flying past Bizarro World and the ray created the imperfect Mxyzptlk... Bizarro-Kltpzyxm! Since he is an opposite of the fifth dimensional imp, Kltpzyxm uses his magic for good, and demonstrates this by transforming the Bizarro household into a gorgeous home! Their "lovely" Bizarro home now looks awful to the Bizarro family's eyes. Bizarro #1 now knows that it was Bizarro-Kltpzyxm who ruined the Palace of Junk, and the imp figures that he improved it since he likes doing good things! Bizarro-Lois wants her husband to get rid of him before everything on Bizarro World is ruined! Since the man of steel gets rid of Mr. Mxyztplk by having him say his name backwards, Bizarro #1 must trick Kltpzyxm into saying his name forwards...

The Bizarro-Detective whispers some instructions to his son, and outside, Bizarro #1 asks Kltpzyxm what his son's alphabet blocks spell. The imp knows that if he reads his name forwards, he'll be returned to the 5th dimension, and he's too stupid to be fooled! Next, the Bizarro-Detective uses his non-super ray gun on the imp, but Kltpzyxm's magic is more powerful than the gun! Bizarro-Lois #1 begins to cry as she realizes that her husband will never be able to arrest Kltpzyxm and put him in jail! Bizarro #1 cries as he realizes that as a detective, he's a real flop! Bizarro-Junior just cries. Upon hearing this, Kltpzyxm surrenders since he wants to be arrested! The Bizarro-Detective doesn't understand, but his wife points out that Mxyzptlk would use trickery to avoid being arrested, and Kltpzyxm wants just the opposite!

The Bizarro Family #1 are happy with his detective work, while the Bizarro-imp returns their house to its former state. In Bizarro-Jail, Kltpzyxm sees that the window is in the floor, and knows that he won't be there long since he is guilty of the crime, the Bizarro laws gave him a short sentence. At his home, Bizarro #1 begins reading about "Perry Masons Greatest Case" by starting at the end of the mystery first! The Bizarro-Detective can't wait until he reads through the whole book backwards to the beginning and find out how it started... such suspense for Bizarro-Readers on Htrae!

As a detective, Bizarro #1 reminds me of the great comedic detective, Inspector Clousteau.

I guess Bizarro-movie goers are paid as they enter the theatre, and I'm sure that Bizarro-movie prices are lower than ever. They probably grumble through the movie first and enjoy the previews of all-ready screened movies and commercials.

If Earth children get a lump of coal in their X-Mas stockings for being bad, do Bizarro-children get toys for being bad?

Bizarro bonds seem little different from their Earth counterpart. Bizarro-Barry Bonds must be getting further and further away from Bizarro-Willie May's home-stand record.

Bizarro hats of the curator and of the police are different. The brims are worn at the side and the names are written correctly on the front.

In Strange Tales #181 by Jim Starlin, Adam Warlock was laughing at the idea of diamonds among the garbage.

Interesting that Bizarro #1's non-super ray-gun isn't subject to the crime of creating anything that is perfect on the Bizarro World... unless it was intended to be a super ray-gun.

You can usually tell a Bizarro's occupation by what he's wearing. The Bizarro-mayor has a stovepipe hat, the Bizarro-doctor has a stethoscope, and the Bizarro-intern has a white jacket.

Steve Chung
"The Guilty Review!"